Bruce Lee Never Died and is Alive Today
In my quest for the truth and in my hunt for all that smells of conspiracy theory, I found out that Bruce Lee is alive and well. This brought joy to my own heart and I am sure it will bring joy to the hearts of many a die-hard Bruce Lee fan.
For those idiots who were not born in the seventies and thus never knew Bruce Lee, let me explain. Bruce Lee was just the greatest martial arts fighter ever born and put onto celluloid. When he was fighting he would scream hysterically like a cat and he was so fast that they had to invent a special camera to record his moves. He could do a thousand push up ON HIS THUMBS. He could keep his fist two millimeters from your face and still hit you through a wall. Bruce Lee was so amazing I would feel sorry for Superman if he ever crossed Bruce Lee's path. Within Bruce's thin, anorexic like body lay the power of the Universe.
I myself was amazed by Bruce Lee's hair. I loved the way it would splash and fall in slow motion while he fought.
But let me return to the conspiracy.
It was extremely sad news for all teenage males – RIGHT ACROSS THE WORLD – when we learned in 1973 that Lee had died. We didn't believe it. According to the official reports he died in the room of a Chines actress of an overdose of pills. We didn't believe this; for what possible reason would he be in the room of a woman in the first place? And why would the healthiest man on the planet need pills? This was just impossible.
Lies...lies...lies...I tell you, all thought up by the Illuminati (OK, in those years we didn't know of the Illuminati yet, but in any case...)
As the weeks and months went by and no news came that said Lee was alive and that it was all just an elaborate joke, we slowly started excepting that the great man was no more. Now we only had his movies of which Enter the Dragon was the only “real” movie.
But this little fan of Lee didn't stop believing and now I found the evidence that I needed.
Bruce Lee is alive and well.
He simply reinvented himself as Chuck Norris in 1973.
Yes, Lee changed himself into Chuck Norris and we know him today as Chuck Norris. To change into Chuck Norris, Lee had to die. It was more a spiritual dead, symbolizing him throwing off the shackles (and the debt collectors) of the old life and assuming the responsibilities of the new life.
Everyone can remember that Lee was the only man who could kill Chuck Norris. He did this in the movie The Way of the Dragon. But then if one looks at it; after the death of Lee, Chuck Norris became invincible and no-one could beat him. Now, the Chuck that was killed in The Way of the Dragon, wasn't the real Chuck Norris, because Bruce Lee was still alive at the time. That was a stunt man hired by Lee's movie company to further pull the wool over our eyes.
After Lee's alleged death he was quickly whisked away to a secret medical facility in Cuba. Castro, who was also a great Bruce Lee fan, welcomed this. There a few changes were made to Lee's face, some more muscle was put onto Lee's sinewy body and next thing we have Chuck Norris kicking ass.
After receiving this tip off, I immediately checked all the birth records in America using my Super-duper-Batman-approved-hacker-proof-500-terra-bytes-per-second-computer. I couldn't find one birth record of someone with the name of Chuck, Charles or Charlie Norris. I checked everywhere and Chuck Norris is not documented anywhere. If one goes back into the history of Chuck Norris one would find that he just suddenly appeared in America as if from nowhere. Fully matured and with a beard. And this happened right after the death (or should I say “death”) of Bruce Lee.
Yes, my dear gentle readers – all the facts shows that Chuck Norris is Bruce Lee.
Now look at a few other strange facts:
Bruce Lee always screamed hysterically like a cat whilst he was fighting. Chuck Norris on the other hand is basically quiet while he fights. The only thing one hears when he fights are those poor souls who attacked him screaming and the hard sounds of his blows. This proves that Lee don't want people to know that he is Chuck Norris. If Norris also screamed while fighting everyone would have said: “Look Chuck Norris is Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee never died.” But now, because their fighting style is so different, nobody even realizes that Bruce Lee is Chuck Norris.
Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris are the same height.
The plastic surgery was done by a Cuban doctor who was a bit drunk at the time. That is why Chuck Norris has that deadpan expression. The skin is too tight and he can only smile with much difficulty. The deadpan expression is actually a good thing, because anyone confronted by Chuck Norris almost immediately pee their pants from fright.
Another very important thing that people must remember is that all the Chuck Norris jokes are actually true. Bruce and his people actually wants you to think they are jokes, but they are not.
Anyone reading this conspiracy theory and not believing it will mysteriously die from high flying kicks to the head and groin.
*Just saying you believe it, but not really believing it, is not going to work, Chuck will know and you WILL die. You must believe this theory with your whole heart and soul. Chuck will know.
Remember, Chuck is watching you...
So there you have it dear, gentle reader...
*This goes for all conspiracy theories coming from my pen. You better believe every one of them with your whole heart and soul or Chuck will come for you. He knows where everyone lives so there is no hiding from him...)
